Tuesday, April 8, 2014

[Heart to Heart] ☆ Self Confidence

Hello guys, I hope you guys have enjoyed your Spring Break or are currently enjoying your Spring Break like me! I'm happy I can finally start my "Heart to Heart" series with you all. I'm sure many of you know what "Heart to Heart" is, but in case you don't I'll go ahead and tell you what it is. "Heart to Heart", or atleast my "Heart to Heart" is going to be overall personal topics that I will go deep depth into, and I will be using these "Heart to Heart" topics to help me get closer my followers and viewers like you guys! So with out further ado, let's go!
Before I get started I want you guys to know that I'm not perfect, nor am I calling my self perfect. I've struggled with low self-esteem for many, many years. These past 7-10 years of life have truly been a roller coaster for me. The honest thing about this whole situation is that I didn't realize how bad it was until the end of my junior year. And right now I'm a senior. I just want to share my story, and tell you guys how I got over my self-esteem issues. And once again I want you guys that I'm still growing. I'm only eighteen years old, and in all honesty I still don't know much about my self at all, haha. 
This next segment you see is literally going to be my life story. I'm not even joking, I kind of went overboard. You don't really need to read it, because it's not really the main point of this post. Just skip to MAIN POINT, to get to get to the main point, aha.

Elementary School: 
I moved from Bronx, New York to Georgia when I was about eight years. I moved with both of my parents and younger brother. Let me just say that it might be because of my age, but prior to moving to Georgia I don't really remember much. I just remember that when moving to Georgia I was super excited, because I absolutely hated New York and moving down South was something new and exciting. And I'm the type of person who loves change. Anyways when I moved down here to Georgia and started 3rd grade I was bullied. I was bullied by this girl named Megan for having a wide forehead and bigger than average lips. In all honestly I don't think it bothered me as much as you would think it would, but I remember coming home and telling my mom all that happened. But yeah, I just wanted to throw that out there. My parents fought a lot, and I mean a lot. My dad scared me. It probably effected more than I wanted to during elementary school than I wanted it to. The rest of elementary school was better, I had my crushes, my friends, ex-friends and yeah. Yay elementary school, haha.
Middle School:
Middle school was pretty much the same. I didn't talk to anyone, I was quite shy, had a teeth gap (which I don't have now thanks to braces) , etc. Emphasizing more on "I didn't talk to anyone", I really didn't. I had my share fair of galfriends, but was always known as the girl who didn't say much. People would ALWAYS ask me "Why don't you ever talk?". And to be honest, I really don't remember what I answered with everytime. I think I just laughed. My parents still fought, my dad still scared me, but I learned to cope. I was a big girl now. I think life started to get a little better in 7th grade. I met a friend named Jackie and also another named Jinhee. Tthey were both Korean. After meeting them I started hanging out with the Koreans. Despite the different cultures, I finally felt like I fit and actually had friends. This trend continued into eight grade. 
High School:
This is honestly when a lot of emotional and mental stuff started happening. First of all let me tell you that I currently attend a charter high school, and am currently a senior (thank God). But just in case you don't know a charter school is a school targeted towards AP and accelerated classes. Getting straight to the point, my first year of high school was pure hell. It was honestly hell, and not something I would never want to experience again. Although I got straight As in middle school I had never taken one accelerated/probe class so coming to this school was not my cup of tea. I didn't want to come to this school once I realized what I had gotten myself into, but my parents (dad specifically) wouldn't let me leave. I barely passed all my classes and felt like complete shit. I terribly missed all my middle school friends. Because of my horrible freshman year, I knew I had to step up my game sophomore year. And that's what I did, my GPA rose over half a point. But it still wasn't good enough. Sophomore year I still cried alot, and I was legitimately depressed. My mom kept telling me to come out of my room and to just stop it. I didn't believe her, but looking back I honestly was a mess. Junior year was better I met a freshman named Vynnie, and she is honestly the best person in my life. She's always so bright, positive, and uplifting. I could never ask for a better friend than here, ever. Korean dramas and kpop honestly helped me a lot during this time period. In all honestly if I wasn't into kdramas and kpop I think I would ended up completely suicidal. Junior year wasn't the best, but it was when I realized a lot of things and discovered something about my self I never knew. Junior year was when I finally let go the anger I had about coming to this nightmarish high school. I completely just let it go. I let go all the opportunities I would've at my home high school. I JUST LET IT ALL GO. 
MAIN POINT: 
Towards the end of my junior year something happened, that honestly has made me the person I am today and is basically the whole point of this post. It's how I gained my self-confidence. After getting backstabbed and treated like shit by one of my best friends I was heart-broken. I never though of myself to become broken over a friend. I was never that type of person. But through this horrible experience I found myself. It might sound cheesy, but I FOUND MY SELF. I realized something about myself that I needed to change drastically and immediately: my reliance on people. I realized that my happiness solely came from others. I realized why I had been depressed basically all my life. If I felt like someone didn't like what I did or how I did something I would change it immediately. If someone looked at me a certain way or didn't give me their usual attention, I would legitly think there was something wrong with me that day. I would hate myself and wonder what I did wrong. I lived to please others, not myself. When I think about it, it's really funny. Because I never realized it. And the reason I'm telling you guys all this is because you might be doing it too. You might not have realized it, but you might be doing it! 

Anyways after this discovery I told myself that I would never let this happen again. I told myself that I come first before anyone, before ANYONE. Basically it was God, Me, Family, everything else. I would never make the same mistake of determining my self-worth based on other people. I would never do it again. If my friends don't like me, let them leave me. If someone doesn't like me the way I am, why should I give a shit? I'm not living my life for them, I'm living it for me. At the end of the day, they're not the ones who see what I go through. They're not the ones who have gotten me out of my lowest times. And if you wonder how I got through this horrible time period towards the end of junior year it was through God and quotes. Quotes sounds cray, but it's true. And this is the one that honestly helped me the most: "A lion doesn't lose sleep over the opinions of a sheep." This quote is just the best quote in the history of quotes, haha. It's true, and I don't even have to explain it.
Before I close this post I just want to give some tips to building yourself confidence. And if you've honestly read this entire post, wow you da the best~

1. Don't concern yourself with what other people think
2. Don't do something because you think other will like it, do it because YOU'LL like it
3. If someone tells you they don't like something you do, keep doing it. If it makes you happy, don't give a shit.
4. Make sure all the things you do, whether it be how you dress, the makeup you wear, the things you like, make sure you like it. Ask yourself do I like this about myself? Do I actually want this myself? DO THE THINGS YOU LIKE!
5. Be happy! Sounds cheesy, but this is honestly the main point of this entire post. Do things that make you happy. If something or someone doesn't make you happy get away from it or them. Be selfish, do things that benefit you solely.

And that's it! I love you all!
Bye-yeom!  
Currently playing: Macklemore&Ryan Lewis- Can't Hold Us 

2 comments:

  1. Ivory, first of all, I applaud you for being such a brave and courageous girl for posting something this personal to all your readers. You deserve a star for it! :) Secondly, it's a great reading material and I think everyone should stop with what they are doing, read this article and ask themselves whether the same thing is occurring in their lives. Honestly no one deserves crap in their life, especially at a young age. But on the other hand, we usually grow the most when we suffer a lot and I still believe that. We all have choices and power in our lives and you made a wise decision at your age. It's also really inspiring in a way. Continue to grow to whom you want to be and I wish you all the best. <3

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  2. This truly is a heart to hear post :o It's terrible how you were bullied and high school wasn't fun for you but I hope college is a less stressful and better experience! Even though there are people who will be negative, there are always positive people out there waiting for you ^^ Glad you found yourself!

    http://19th-tealeaf.blogspot.com

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